I had a brain fade yesterday.
Actually a brain fart. A big one.
I said I was going to share with you when things went a little sideways – and yesterday they did.
I chipped one of my teeth. No big deal in the scheme of things….
But what followed next was ridiculous.
My brain just went BLAH. And out spilled all this rubbish. Things have been going so well. The right people have been showing up just when I needed them to. My coaching with Andrea has got me more clear, focused and excited on what I am doing and where to take it. I have a couple of very exciting things coming up here on the blog (will reveal all soon, I promise).
I wrote some things down for a potential blog post earlier in the day – about how I was moving towards 40, which shook me up a bit when it unexpectedly came spilling out onto the page. But that chipped tooth got to me and I let out all the bad stuff.
“My teeth are breaking” I wailed to my husband, “I’m getting old”. My bottom lip began to quiver and I pouted “I’m nearly 40 and I haven’t done anything with my life”.
That horrible wave of reality washed over me – “I’m nearly 40 and I have wasted my life” I thought to myself.
Our mortgage wasn’t feeling like the accomplishment it should be. In Australia, having your own house (even with a mortgage) is called “The Australian Dream”. But last night, it felt like a waste of time and money. And like a waste of my precious life. “I haven’t travelled. I’ve tried to live my dreams before and it hasn’t worked out. I haven’t achieved anything with my life. I feel like what I am trying to do is so far away and I have so much to do.”
I have been so happy about how “right” what I am doing feels for me. Like this is where I am meant to be and what I am meant to be doing. It has felt like a big challenge. Huge. But everything has been flowing and for the most part, I have been enjoying the learning process and celebrating my little steps forward.
Maybe I just needed to vent. Maybe those feelings were hidden and the positive vibes I’ve had were masking them temporarily. Maybe they are always there and sometimes they show up and we have to be “Buffy the Hidden Fear Slayer” and fight them off sometimes.
These stupid fears and expectations and failings we think we have. Eck!
I blamed them on hormones to my husband and then I joked about what I will be like when menopause kicks in. “That should be fun” he said.